I (Texan) said hi in the parking lot to a coworker I hadn’t met before. He proceeded to tell me about how he lived on each of the coasts until those areas one-by-one “went to shit.” Then, he explained to me that he had to get away from all the filth that moved in to those areas and that’s why he chose to move to Texas. “God, guns, and freedom as far as the eye can see.” I truly regretted engaging that man with a simple greeting.

A bad interaction like this shouldn’t ruin my day, but I work in public education, which means this guy is integral in supporting our community and raising our children. What has ruined every day for me since that interaction was learning that he works in HR. I’m so fucking dreading this upcoming school year.

He never promised that, though. He promised to rid the land of gnomes, an under appreciated linchpin species. He also promised to reveal who has been pissing in the town well. By doing that, the unicorns and fairy dust would return naturally.

What he didn’t mention was that aggressive deforestation had killed all the unicorns and fairies. And even if they did come back, they’d be shot on sight because an endangered species would halt the deforestation and that’s currently profitable. Once the wildfires take out the rest of the enchanted forest, the townspeople will likely die in agony with their dignity stripped away, but that’ll be profitable, too, if they can convince enough people that their support will put them on the survivor’s side!

As an American feeling like I’m drowning in malignant insanity and stupidity, I know which 5 countries I’m avoiding.